(Guest Post) A Complete Family Unit On Mother's Day
"In time of test, family is best."- Burmese Proverb
My family consists of my three girls, our food obsessed dog, and myself. The girls have been living with me full time for two years and I have full custody of them. Their father has been living interstate and is about to move overseas, and naturally the girls have not seen much of him. When he does not live in the same town, or state even, it is easy for me to just go on living a life as a single mum. This is, as you know, hard work but also very rewarding. It also gives me a lot of freedom when I can make all the decisions. Of course I am not talking about financial freedom, ha ha.
One of the most difficult things I have had to learn was how to “feel like a family” again, without a dad. There is a big difference between feeling like a strong family of four, or feeling like an incomplete family of four.
It is Father’s Day today in Australia, and I have just spent an hour on Instagram looking at all these posts full of love for the dads who are what we all once hopefully had - a loving dad who spends time with his kids. The reality for my girls is not this, far from it. He is in town at the moment be- fore moving overseas, so they have seen him a few times but far from enough. To have him around is not only positive and it has caused a lot of tears and upset. One of the three girls chose not to go to the Father’s Day dinner, and I respect that.
In the beginning of my life as a single mum, every time the girls and I were out and about, I felt observed and judged by other people around me. I am sure that was only in my mind... but I felt as if they said to themselves: “There is a divorced family over there, their dad is not with them. The mum is on her own. I wonder if the husband left her, or did she leave him?”
The first Mother’s day after the separation, I wanted to treat them to a lunch out. We rarely ate lunch out because I could not really afford it. I thought it was going to be nice treat but it turned out to be quite a difficult experience... The girls and I agreed which restaurant to go to, and with three girls that took a while I can promise you! It was a place by the beach where we had been many times “as a complete family of five”. We were shown to a table and were looking at the menus. The place was buzzing with all the families, kids running around, everybody (families with mums and dads) looking happy and relaxed, the sun was shining...you get the picture?
I think we were the only table with sad faces! The girls were asking me if we really could afford it? Was dad joining us? Why was he not joining us? Mother’s Day is a day for family, why are we not a family with him anymore, even if we were not living together? It hurts to have to answer these questions over and over again, and had to fight my tears from showing. This day the girls were pointing to other families around us who had a mum and a dad. Why not us? Why them? We all got upset, and then the waitress came to our table and asks: “Are you ready to order, or is dad joining you?”
Despite my intentions for this Mother’s Day lunch, it was not a good treat for any of us. We had fish and chips, but the whole time I felt like I wasted the money. We should have stayed home. I am not good at being a single mum. I can’t give my girls a nice day out like other parents. I have taken so much away from them. I have taken the experience of being part of a whole family away from them.
Time heals they say, and I must say I agree. Or we heal with the help from others. I realized that I have to be confident in my own abilities as a single mum, and confident knowing that I make the right choices for my girls. I believe that my girls can feel if I am confident, content and happy with myself. Eventually I realized how strong I had been to actually leave a 20 year marriage for the uncertainty of life as a single mum. I increased my working hours, I could support myself (with the help from Centrelink, but outstanding child support is a story on its own), I asked for help, I accepted help and I sometimes cried. I do believe that I could, and still can, show the girls how proud I am to be their mum on my own. Instead of feeling like a failed mum I am now much more able to believe in myself and what I am capable of. When I can afford it I take my girls out for a treat, and I am proud. This is my family. A strong family of three girls, one mum and a food obsessed dog.